I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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