I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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