So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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