thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
Randomize
