The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
