my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
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