I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
