Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
