I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
