i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
