And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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