ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Also, your vagina needs a time out and let your brain have a chance to make decisions.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Randomize
