The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
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