see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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