I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
