mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
I did not marry a roomba.
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