Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Let's get the cat blown out
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Randomize
