I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
