Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Just high enough for therapy.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
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