i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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