I'm laying in your front yard are you home
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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