nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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