Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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