What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize