i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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