Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
