Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
we should paint friendship bongs
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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