I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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