I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
