Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
