the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
Randomize
