We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
