I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
