I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize