When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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