I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
im six kinds of drunk right now
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
Randomize
