I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
YOU CAN'T GET A TATTOO BECAUSE OF KPOP FANFICTION. THAT'S NOT HOW LIFE WORKS
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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