I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
Randomize
