i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Randomize
