you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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