The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
