he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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