Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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