i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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