Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
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