I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Randomize
