i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
