I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize