Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Randomize