Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
