Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
