Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
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