I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
