Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
