Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
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