apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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